Audio By Carbonatix
Why do some women have their
panties all in a twist about Pepsi’s branded iPhone application, Before You
Score, which was launched recently as part of a
promotional campaign for AMP Energy drink?
On the surface, the application seems to objectify women as naive creatures who will
easily fall into the arms of any man who uses this marvel of modern
technology. But the joke is on the
men.
The app is obviously tongue-in-cheek, and any idiot who
thinks he’s going to get laid because of it probably has a stack of
magazines under his bed with some very sticky pages. Before You Score is
funny in a Beavis and Butt-head sophomoric way. If you’re the kind of guy who’s clueless about talking to
the fairer sex, you might actually benefit from some of the pathetic pick-up
lines — that is, if you can manage to wipe the drool off your bib after fumbling
through the conversation. If, however,
you’re a worldly Casanova who has mastered the art of pathological douchebaggery,
this app is not for you — it’s mere kids’ play.
The app, which is visually beautiful, is simple to use: Identify a woman’s type, click on info, and learn all about that elusive one you’re trying to lure into bed. Take your pick of 24 types, including goth, businesswoman, bookworm, sorority girl. There’s also a menu option to jot down
the names, dates, and comments about the babes who’ve caught your eye, which
you can share with friends in other social networks. (But you had such a hard time getting laid in the first
place. Why would you share? A man’s black book is a treasured
possession!)
One-liner icebreakers, many of which are pretty lame, are a
consistent feature throughout the app. For example: “I’m sure the
camera loves you” isn’t going to get any aspiring actress into bed,
unless she left her brains in Kansas and forgot to
click her heels three times.
There’s also a nifty educational component to the app, which
makes yours truly wonder if the demographic of young men who consume energy
drinks actually has brains. The aspiring actress section features notes on method acting pulled from Wikipedia,
plus a live list of actual nationwide casting calls — all fodder for
conversation topics that might actually impress that waitress/actress serving
Joe Clueless his burger with a side of stupid.
Ditto with picking up a women’s studies major — there’s a
comprehensive Wikipedia portal on feminism that would take any jerk several
days to read, burping and six-packs of Schlitz not included.
Some tips are just plain silly. Want to impress a cougar? Learn how
to tie a cherry stem
with your tongue, courtesy of wikiHOW. For starters, if you’re drinking
something with a
cherry in it, you better check how you roll. That cougar will
probably take you on a
shoe-shopping spree instead of exploring that bump behind your zipper.
The app does offer some practical tips. Trying to get your arms
around a tree hugger? Find out which vegan restaurants are nearest your
current
location. Hitting the sack with a married woman? Check the listing for
local motels that happily support fornication and adultery. Actually, a
South Miami search pointed to Fox’s Sherron Inn,
which is a great dive bar to meet a lay, not to get laid. Listen up, Before Your Score developers: That’s a major fail. Hire local philanderers, a.k.a. Bored
Wives of Pinecrest, to do your research!
Before You Score actually makes the average ball-grabbing, self-obsessed bro look like a real
dumb-ass. It’s a parody of how full-of-shit guys can be — when they have nothing else to offer but pure,
unadulterated poo-poo. Are you so uneducated, uncultured, and unaware of what
your city has to offer that you need an iPhone app to teach you how to strike
up a conversation with a woman? You, dear friend, were probably already doomed to a life of
celibacy. Move to Tibet and shave
your head. You’ll probably get more action in a saffron robe when the mountain winds
beat your wanker.
And even if Before You Score was for real, the method and delivery of the technology is
impractical. Looking down at your
phone and tapping away at the screen without bothering to smile and make eye
contact with your intended target is going to make you look like a nerd. Want to really pick up a woman? Don’t
be rude. Put that damn phone down
and talk.
And for Pete’s sake, women need their own version too. Yours truly would have a built-in lie
detector on her phone called Sniff Out Before You Put Out. Actually, here’s where Pepsi went wrong. Had the company hired women to write the
pick-up lines, there’d probably be happier, energy-drink guzzling dudes all
over the 3G networks. Only women know what women want to hear.
