Listen Up Gov. Rick Scott: On Food Stamps? No Fast Food For You!

​I don’t think everyone on public assistance is a lazy bum, but I’m happy about the welfare drug-testing bill (the only move Rick Scott has made that I approve of). More importantly, I don’t think food stamps should be used to buy fast food. So far, California, Michigan, and Arizona…

Miss Florida USA Doesn’t Understand Evolution, Fits Right In

The Miss USA contestants need to either read a textbook or shut the hell up.Aside from the asinine, sexist 1950s mentality that the “competition” is based on, the annual beauty contest is intellectually damaging to the young women who are looking to them as role models. We’re steering them wrong…

Mugshots Friday: Every Friday is Sweet Beard Appreciation Day

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that…

Developers Bundling Money for Carlos Gimenez Too

A couple of blogs have been barking up a storm about certain real estate developers tied to dubious projects getting cozy with Julio Robaina, but Carlos Gimenez has his fair share as well. The donations reinforce the fact both candidates represent special interests and folks they will have to answer…

The Wonderful Dallas Fans: Highlights from the Comments Section

It was an innocent post: Mavericks guard DeShawn Stevenson got arrested when he was found drunk in an apartment complex. If he hadn’t called the Heat “classless” earlier this week, there probably wouldn’t have been a write-up. The finals are long over, but it was a chance to poke back…

Chris Bosh Sued by Ex for Keeping Her Off Basketball Wives

Between the Heat and VH1’s Basketball Wives, the city of Miami has become America’s unquestioned capital of b-ball-related drama. Mix the Heat and the Wives together, and you have a surefire recipe for superscandal.See, VH1 tried to capitalize on the Heat drama by bringing Chris Bosh’s baby mama Allison Mathis…

Why I Passed on Carlos Gimenez

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Six days after his controversial endorsement of Julio Robaina, Luke issues the last word on his decision.The spin doctors are…

The Murderous Miami Heat Drinking Game

Note: This log, apparently describing an NBA Finals-themed drinking game played by a group of Miami Heat fans, was discovered late Sunday night. The fate of the heartbroken revelers is not known.FIRST QUARTER12:00 — All right, time for tip-off! Super excited to have all this booze. Keeping my laptop handy to…

Luther Campbell Explains His Endorsement of Julio Robaina

No surprise, blogs backing Carlos Gimenez attacked Luther Campbell for going with Julio Robaina in the Miami-Dade mayoral run-off on June 28. Even the Miami Herald, which has also endorsed Gimenez, took issue with Campbell’s shocking unexpected backing of Robaina, whom he dubbed “Hialeah’s overlord” in the pages of this…

We Sure Know How to Pick The Best Politicians!

Next week, this year’s Best of Miami issue hits the stands. So you know what that means! It’s that time of year we pick a kick-ass politician who’ll end up getting kicked out of office! Getting named Best Politician is like an endorsement from The Miami Herald editorial board: the…

Four Stages in the Evolution of Lionel Richie’s Hair

Lionel Richie. His hair is fucking crazy, bordering on crazy awesome. However, throughout the decades he has made efforts to tone it down. That mustache, on the other hand, has stuck around like his daughter’s herpes. We’re not insinuating Nicole Richie is a slut, by the way, it’s just that…

Richard Moss Out As Police Academy Director

Richard Moss’s tenure as basic training director for Miami-Dade College’s School of Justice is over. A spokesman confirmed earlier this week that the 56-year-old ex-Broward County Sheriff’s deputy will not be returning next year. His contract was not renewed, but school officials declined comment as to what led to Moss’s…

Dirk Nowitzki Is Hollywood as Hell Too

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Luke explains how the NBA commissioner is assisting Dallas Mavericks forward Dirk Nowitzki.The Heat hater brigade loves to harp on…