Does Great Food Make Us Unhappy?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its long anticipated happiness ratings last week. The study, using data collected from 1.3 million people across the country over the past four years, found that the happiest folks tended to live in states with a high quality of life. No surprise…

On a Rainy Day, Two Killers’ South Beach Odyssey Is Remembered

The rent has skyrocketed eightfold. The onetime flophouse has been painted and transformed into pricey condos. A shabby sign that once read, “Vacancy — Lowest Rates — Beach Facilities — Always a Seabreeze,” has been replaced by a pretty picture peddling a $7 million residence. The beachside hotel where two…

Get Overheated With Your Morons of the Week

We’ve been hit with a cold front, and if you’re like Riptide, your office is about as cozy as a gulag right now. But that’s OK, because this week’s batch of morons has a MWQ (Moronic Wattage Quotient) powerful enough to heat a three-story building. Throw on a Christmas sweater…

Fire Union Threatens to Boot Chief Herminio Lorenzo

The incoming president of the county firefighters union, Dominick Barbera, is demonstrating a terrible lack of ethics in his personal feud with Miami-Dade Fire Rescue Chief Herminio Lorenzo. This past December 9, sent Lorenzo an audaciously snarky letter mocking the chief’s proposal to require all county firefighters to report traffic…

FFF: For Shellfish Lovers Only

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.””Well, tell me!” the man said.The policeman said, “We have some…

Kitchen Pranks: The Old Oven Knob In The Jello Trick

“You see this knob? It’s precious to a lineman, especially when it gets real busy, cause you’re struggling to turn everything on. They come right off see? One thing cooks will do just to mess with each other is steal em’, and hide em’. I remember being in a kitchen…

Letters from the issue of December 17, 2009

Study Up FMU is just fine: I am very familiar with Florida Memorial University, which was described in “Crime 101” (Gus Garcia-Roberts, December 10). I know wonderful things happen on campus, yet I never see news coverage. Is there a conspiracy to destroy the only black university in South Florida?…

Thank You for Your Paid Support

Recently dismissed ethics complaints against three lobbyists provide a glimpse into how developers will pay off so-called community activists to win support for their projects.In finding that zoning lawyers Juan Mayol, Joseph Goldstein, and Richard Perez did in fact register to lobby on behalf of their client Q2 — a group…

Taco Bell 79 Cent Crispy Potato Soft Taco Review

We once heard a comedian say all Mexican food was pretty much the same ingredients put together under different names. For example, what are nachos? Umm, beans, cheese, lettuce, tomato, tortillas, meat, salsa. And what are tacos? Umm, beans, cheese, lettuce, tomato, tortillas, meat, salsa. And what are enchiladas, burritos,…

Heat Girlfriends Pull Out of VH1 Reality Show

Seems like two life partners of Miami Heat players won’t be joining the ranks of Jose Canseco, Flava Flav, that guy who killed his girlfriend, New York, and various people with porny pasts in the pantheon of VH1 Reality shows after all. When VH1 and Shaunie O’Neal, Shaq’s wife announced plans…

Judging Milton Hirsch’s Character

Milton Hirsch will take Barbara Carey-Shuler’s money, but he’ll hold off on her endorsement.​ And the 2010 Miami-Dade judicial candidate doesn’t want Angel Gonzalez giving him the thumbs-up either.Hirsch removed their names from the official endorsement list on his campaign website, electmiltonhirsch.com, on November 27, days after two Miami city commissioners…

Flyer of the Week: Get Low with UltraBlack at the Vagabond December 17

If you thought Phoenix dubstep duo UltraBlack’s minimal moniker was some kind of warning scream against the sleek and opulent evils of future technology, you were wrong. Truth is, Bryan Marek and Nick Suddarth make dark party tracks that, perversely, seem to revel in the debauched potentialities of a not-so-distant dystopia…

Updated: Turns Out Rev. Gaston Smith’s Cup Came Up Empty

A Miami-Dade jury has convicted Liberty City pastor Gaston Smith on one count of grand theft for looting more than $10,000 in grant money intended to help the poor.Yesterday, Banana Republican caught the tail end of closing arguments by Smith’s defense lawyer Larry Handfield and prosecutor Richard Scruggs. Both lawyers…

Moron of the Week: South Florida’s Creepiest “Pastor”

Update: Jervon A. Smith wants the world to know that he wasn’t a pastor when he did all this creepy shit.We usually use this column to recklessly mock regional idiots who accidentally shoot their toes off or are busted for running pathetic Ponzi schemes. But this week, we’re issuing a…