Video Game Hotline Miami Slanders the Magic City, Says History

Lydia had just left a phone message, and it sounded urgent. “I need a babysitter,” she murmured into the Miami man’s voicemail from her house on East Seventh Street. “There are a few kids here that need to be disciplined. I really need someone to get through to these rascals,…

Zagat Says Python-Topped Pizza in Ft. Myers Best Represents Florida

Zagat has declared the “Everglades Pizza” at Evan’s Neighborhood Pizza in Ft. Myers as the pizza that best represents the state of Florida. The pie contains somewhat, er, original toppings, such as python, whole frog legs, and alligator sausage. It also costs $45 for a 14-inch pie. You may remember…

Obama in Miami Today to Chase Latin Vote — and Money

As his administration is nailed for health-care incompetence, President Obama is escaping to Miami today for three Democratic Party fundraisers and to curry favor with Latin voters. He arrives at 3:45 p.m. at MIA and will hang around town until tomorrow at 3:25 p.m. One event will benefit the Democratic…

Kanye and Kim’s Nuptials

Kanye West is arguably the most entertaining rap artist in the world. Even when you are hating on him, you have to love him because you never know what crazy shit he might say or do. He’s like the youngest brother in a big family who is always doing wild…

Reader Mail: Biking While Black Shouldn’t Be a Crime

Profiling Cyclists Cops doing their jobs: So you wrote five pages of literary B.S. about how police are supposedly harassing black bicycle riders over their registrations (“Biking While Black,” Kyle Swenson, October 31)? But basically you’re accusing the cops of enforcing a law they are sworn to enforce at the…

Katy Perry’s “Roar”: Why This Song Sucks

[Editor’s Note: In his new column, Serrano Time, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes, because your socks are about to be blown off.] History: Katy Perry was born in 1984, except back then people called her “Katy Hudson” because that’s her…

Jonathan Martin Should Have Stood Up To Richie Incognito

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. Today, Luke weighs in on the Miami Dolphins bullygate. The Miami Dolphins have never experienced this much off-the-field controversy. The NFL…

EDM Is Sexist: Eight Reasons It Sucks to Be a Woman Who Raves

As a self-respecting female with professional aspirations and a desire to be taken seriously as an individual, it’s become increasingly difficult to identify with American electronic dance music culture without feeling kind of irresponsible. Six or seven years ago, the playing field was pretty even. We went out to parties,…

Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter: Lotus Biscoff Spread Is Better

If you’re on the Trader Joe’s bandwagon, it’s likely you’ve heard rumblings about the store’s Speculoos Cookie Butter — if you’re not already addicted to the stuff. This crushed-up-cookie spread has created a sugar-induced hysteria that’s caused nationwide shortages and a gangbusters black-market business. Seriously, this is how stampedes happen…

Kanye West Tying the Knot With Kim Kardashian Is Crazy

Uncle Luke, the man who made the U.S. Supreme Court Stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke has some relationship advice for a famous celebrity couple. Kanye West is arguably the most entertaining rap artist in the…

Five Best Miami Heat Sports Bars

Except for being in center of all the action at the American Airlines Arena, there’s nothing like cheering on LBJ, D-Wade, Bosh, and the rest of the Miami Heat champs at a sports bar with an ice cold Yuengling on hand, surrounded by like-minded ride-or-die fans. At the peak of…

Richard Dunn Is an Embarrassment

Do voters in Miami’s District 5 really want to elect Rev. Richard P. Dunn II, a candidate with a lot of questions swirling about his personal and campaign finances? I don’t think so. He will only continue the cycle of criminal investigations in the district that is home to almost…

Reader Mail: Drop the Fear, Support Pot Legalization

Miami Beach Clowns Not a funny joke: You’re right that all four candidates for Miami Beach mayor are total jokes (“Seaside Circus,” Michael E. Miller, October 24). This is the reason we are a banana republic just like Venezuela, where the president receives messages from the dead Hugo Chávez via…

Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ

Calm down, party girl/boy. Before you go flaunting your shiz in the face of the selector, think about what you’re really getting yourself into. Sure, dating (or even just fucking) a DJ seems like it would be a perk-filled romp through Awesomeville’s romance district. Your new beau will not only…

Six Girls I Dated and Why We Broke Up

[Editor’s Note: In his new column, Serrano Time, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes because your socks are about to be blown off.] I went running the other morning. I used to run all the time. I was in shape, and…

Keon Hardemon Is Michelle Spence-Jones’ Rightful Successor

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes one final push before the Miami City election on Nov. 5. Miami City Commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones did…